recycling was only the gateway drug

Global warming sucks. It's the middle of May in the San Francisco bay area, which normally means that we have another month or two of decent weather, followed by a week of insanely hot weather, and then back to decent. I've always loved the climate here in California. It's not too hot, not too cold. It's just right. My family in the mid west and south would call and let me know their temps were over a 100 and I would say, "man, sucks for you... yeah, it's about 80 here..." Well, guess what? Now it sucks for us, too.

I never used to be much for "go green" types of mentality. I would recycle if there was a recycle bin handy, but I didn't really go out of my way. I'm still not as great as I should be, but I'm making the effort to make changes here and there. I'm running my washer and dryer after the sun goes down. I'm relying more on air circulation and only using AC if I really need to. I drive my smaller car if I can. I walk when I can. And I definitely save the recycle stuff for a recycle bin, even if there isn't one handy. And I'm really, really working on turning off the water while we brush our teeth. I know this isn't enough. I know there is so much more I can do, but it's a start.

Oh I almost forgot! I also just dropped $1700 on a new energy efficient washer and dryer! They are a little more high maintenance as far as, well, maintenance. But the few extra seconds it takes me to clean it after every load will go a long way. I got a $200 rebate from PG&E just for buying the darn things.

It's so cliche but what changed me was having children. I see the world completely differently now that I have them to take care of. I don't want to leave them a yucky smelly world with no ozone layer. My kids and their kids deserve so much better than that. And so do everyone else's kids.

So I thought I was doing OK with all the greener thinking and such and then my friend went to church and came back telling me all about how we do have it hard here in California. We are overwhelmed with gas prices and money troubles, work, kids, jobs, the next event. Yeah, granted, there are people in other countries and even in our country watching their kids starve to death... but man our gas prices are high. OK, ok... there are people who can't afford to wear shoes or clothes and have no shelter to keep their babies warm... but I'm having less and less play money after paying the bills lately. There are families living with war and poverty and so much worse, but I was bummed out because my kids had to wait a few paychecks to get that wagon I had been wanting for them.

I guess my point is... we have it good. Even when we have it bad, our bad is so much better than most peoples great. I wish it wasn't that way. And I want to try to do more for the world. I don't know exactly what yet but I need to do something. I think I'll definitely start local. Maybe try to work some free clinics or something? Give immunizations to underprivileged children? I don't know yet.

And the biggest thing I want to focus on is being grateful for what I have. My children are awesome and aside from some snotty noses they are very healthy and able bodied! I'm really going to try to focus on the positive in every situation. My kids are coughing and have runny noses right now, but they live with me and they are well taken care of. And my husband is an active dad. Dinner will be on the table tonight and they both have warm beds to sleep in. They (at least the oldest) is polite and cares about people. I have an awesome family and wonderful friends. I even have a job I don't mind going to. I'm OK.

It's so hot I'm sweating just writing this blog. But you know what? Life is GOOD :-)

I'm reincarnating as a lesbian, it's decided!

My son is 7 1/2 month sold and starting to climb up stairs, walk along furniture, etc. We are in the middle of a move so all we have right now for him to climb is boxes and crap. Not ideal, right? So I was thinking of going to toys r us and getting him one of those activity tables that sings the ABC's and such, so he doesn't have to climb dingy and potentially dangerous boxes. That's it. That's the story. It was just a thought that passed through my head in the middle of a hundred other thoughts while I was getting stuff done.

I made the mistake of saying out loud, "I was almost thinking.... well, never mind" And I truly meant never mind. I wasn't hinting, or hoping he would ask, or trying to play mind games. I realized that it was completely impractical with our money situation, and it would just be one more thing to move. Bear could climb boxes for now. So I moved on, kept packing, ran a few errands... and hours later this conversation happened:

Hub: Hey, what was it you started to say earlier and wouldn't finish?
Me: huh?
Hub: you started to say, "I was thinking..." and then said never mind. What was that about?
Me: (completely shocked that he heard me or even cared that much) OH, I was thinking of something we could buy but it wouldn't really make sense right now. (I'm not trying to be elusive, I'm in and out of the room packing boxes)

~several minutes later when I enter the room again~

Hub: Babe! What was it? What is it you want to buy that isn't practical?
Me: Geez babe, it's just a toy for bear. I wanted to get him one of those tables he can stand up at and play at instead of those boxes. But we don't have the money and it would just be more stuff to move, so I figured we'd look into that later once we get done with all this move stuff.
Hub: Yeah, that's not really priority for today...
Me: Yeah I know...
Hub: we don't really have the money for that...
Me: uh huh (still packing, growing a little annoyed)
Hub: plus we'd just have to move that along with everything else
Me: mmm hmmm (increasingly annoyed)
Hub: I'm sorry babe, I feel like I'm the bad guy here... I'm just saying maybe when we get some money and after the move is done we can get one of those for him...
Me: OK! (gee, why the f* didn't I think of that???)
Hub: I just don't know why you have to cut me off. I'm just trying to get out one sentence telling you why I don't think it's a good idea
Me: Well, it was a long run on sentence with way too many commas and no end in sight. (I know, I'm a total bitch. But sometimes I can't help it)

Oh for the love of God! I didn't even finish the original sentence that caused this whole useless conversation! I already knew all of the arguments that he would give, and agreed with them, but I had to hear about it anyhow. If you knew my husband you would know, this is SO him. He analyzes a topic until it's dead and decayed.

I told him one day that his comic book name would be, "Analyze Boy!" Can you picture it? A 6'4'' broad shouldered guy with muscles and all kinds of dork equipment in his pockets analyzing the world in order to save it? (Cause he would be a good guy even if a little annoying) I love him, I wouldn't trade him and I'd fight any broad who tried to take him, but seriously I want to deck him sometimes.

Has Anyone Seen Themselves On This Site?

Has anyone else seen themselves on this site?

It's google maps. They have crazy satellite pictures of most addresses in the US. If I happen to type in my address, I can actually see myself in front of my apartment. Pretty nuts! You have to click "street view" once you get to that area on the map. Not every region has street view yet, but you can still see amazing satellite photography.

More About My Zoo

Just felt like writing a little more about my family. My family is my reason for pretty much everything I do, so it seems worth writing about right now.

I'll start with me. It's hard for me to write about me because I am at a loss for descriptives. I'm me, doesn't that say enough? Well, only if you know me I guess. I was one of those dorks back in the day that was pissed if I got a B+ in advanced chemistry and who took pre calculus even though I had finished my math requirement for high school before junior year. I was sure that I wouldn't be one of those statistics who dropped out of college, that I would be an RN by the time I was 22. I even assured all of my friends that I wasn't even going to bother dating when I moved back to California. (I lived in Texas for 4 years) I studied hard for the SAT's, had all my scholarship and admission stuff in order. I was set.

So the first thing I did when I moved to Cali was get a job at Costco. It was a crappy job indeed. I was a cashier and I moonlighted in the pharmacy and one hour photo departments. The job sucked and it was my first realization that people really do suck. Like really, people can be alarmingly stupid. So I lasted there a year and a half and then temped for a while. I turned down a decent paying job with stock options and all to work as a freakin clerk again at Kaiser. I knew that I wanted to be a nurse, and figured it would be nice to have my foot in the door at Kaiser when that degree fell into my lap. Yeah well I've been working there for 8 years now, since I was 20. I went to school at night for a while and managed to become a medical assistant. Better than nothing I suppose but I still have my eye on the RN dollars.

Then there is my husband. We met when we were 12 years old. He was my cousin's best friend so it was sort of convenient that we hang out. I would visit Cali every summer because my parents shared custody and that's when I got to know CR. Funny enough, we really disliked each other at first. Not like flirty 'I hate you' bullshit. Like really, strong dislike. Since MC was his best friend and my cousin and friend though we tolerated each other. One summer my cousin decided she wanted to date this boy. She was younger than me, only 15. Her mom told her that if she wanted to make it a double date, and if I went, she would allow it. So I told her if she found me someone to hang out with, I would go as her chaperon. Well guess who the lazy bitch finds? None other than her brother's best friend. I was pissed! But for the sake of adventure, I went. Well that night CR and I hit it off and my cuz was totally disgusted by her date. And so it began. We hung out the rest of that summer and then again the next summer, and the summer after that I moved here. We were going to be casual so I could focus on school, but it ended up being the other way around.

So we got married in 2004, 6 years after I moved to Cali. We went on a 2 week honeymoon and the day we came back I decided to take a bath at 4:00AM. I was still on Hawaii time and we still had another couple of weeks off work, so what the hell. On a total whim, I decided to pee on a pregnancy test that happened to be under the sink. I didn't really think anything of it, I was bored and they had been under there for a couple of years. What the hell? So I peed on the stick and set it on the side of the bath tub. Several minutes later I glanced over at the damn thing... and what do you know? It had 2 lines! I had stopped taking birth control figuring I would flush it out of my system for a year and then we'd work on having a baby. Oh well. Honeymoon baby it was! So it was a surprise but a happy one.

After the pregnancy from hell, in Dec '04 enter Kat. Oh she quickly became the complete center of my universe. She has since nudged over a tiny bit for her brother, but she's still pretty much there. She was a dream baby. She hardly ever cried or fussed. She was happy and people would stop me to tell me how beautiful she was. I tried putting her in day care but ended up calling in sick all the time. She wouldn't take a bottle so I was convinced that she would starve if I didn't nurse her all day. I ended up taking a part time position so that I could be home with her during the days. I work evenings and weekends and hubby works days. There is a very small over lap of time 3 days a week that a good friend takes care of my babies but otherwise they are with one of us all the time. We are so lucky. Anyhow, I'm going to have to write a whole other blog about Kat because that girl is something else! She was very smart from the get go and I have many a story about that little one.

Around Christmas time of '06 I noticed that some of the procedures at work were making me want to barf. I was in the 'urine room' testing someone's urine and noticed that it smelled SO strong. I gagged a little and figured that person must just have a really horrible infection. Then the next one made me gag, then the next. So I said to myself, "why is my sense of smell so strong? And why the f do my boobs hurt?" Anyhow I got busy and forgot about it for a couple of days. Then the day after Christmas I went to take a bath and grabbed that other pregnancy test from the 2 pack I bought to confirm Kat. Sure enough, 2 lines. Here we go again. In August of '07 we welcomed our Bear. Though I love him dearly, he's definitely not the little angel the first one was. To be fair though, the first time around I had time to hold Kat all the time, nurse her to sleep, etc. Bear had digestive issues at first and would fuss a lot, but after a couple of months he started to smile and reassure us that he was glad we brought him into this world.

Lucky for us, Kat looked forward to Bear's arrival and welcomed him with open arms. She held him for the first time and said, "Hi! I'm your big sister!" She would hold him and hold his little fingers. She would sing songs to him even when he was in my tummy. She is happy to
share her things with him and eager to read books, tell stories, etc. She always wants me to put him in her bed so she can snuggle him. She tells me that she is his little mommy and I can be his big mommy. She is even the one who nick named him "Teddy Bear". When he wakes from a nap she gets to be the one to go into his room and greet him. And it's not one sided either. Bear loves his big sister. He sees her coming and puts his arms out for her. She was the first person to make him laugh out loud. They love each other so much and it makes me so happy. I kind of feel bad for not really liking my brother that much. I don't dislike him I just don't really know him. I know it hurts my mom but that's just how it turned out.

Poor Bear though. I hardly ever left Kat with a sitter. This time around, I'm not so convinced that my babies can't live without me. I still don't go out often, but hubby and I have decided that we need to remember how to be a couple. For so long now we've been someone's parents. We get along well and share a bed, but we forgot that it all started with me and him. So we're working on that. I am so lucky to have the family that I do. I am proud of my kids and I love my husband. I have lots of friends and family around. I'm a lucky girl!

A Date With My Daughter

So tonight was the birthday celebration of one of my dear co workers. I had kind of forgotten about it until someone said, "OK, so I'll see you tonight?" Ah, shit. I really wasn't up to a trip to Milpitas tonight. For one thing I am moving in less than 2 weeks and just really need to focus on packing. For another thing, I worked all day at the hospital and already miss my kids. If I go to this dinner, I won't see them until tomorrow since they would be tucked into bed by the time I got home. So I'm torn. Flake on a really sweet and respected co worker/friend, or disappoint my kids? I agonized about it all day. I really didn't want to go to the dinner, but knew I should, but thought maybe I shouldn't. (Really, it was way too much worry over one friggen evening, but still)

So I finally came up with this 'perfect' fix. I'll just bring my daughter to the dinner! That way she feels special because she gets to go on a date with Mom and my co worker's feelings aren't hurt that I missed her birthday. It's brilliant, right?

Wrong. On paper, this deal sounded great. Kat and I will bond over a night and dinner out. The boys will stay home and have their special time. My friend will be so happy I made it. This plan works! Until you try to execute and realize that you are bringing a THREE YEAR OLD to Malaysian cuisine. Naturally, about 15 minutes into this delightful meal, she announces that she needs to "use the restroom". (Kat is very polite, I'm so proud of her) Now this place is apparently very popular and I have to weed in and out of quite a crowd to get her there. We get inside the stall and she asks if this toilet flushes itself or if I have to flush it. Don't ask me why the hell that matters, but I looked and told her that I had to flush it. She started getting all irritated and said, "No never mind, I'll just go pee pee when we get home". I tried to reason with her that she would be uncomfortable but she just did not want to go at this particular location. OK, fine, whatever.

Back at the table, she can't stop squirming. (No doubt because her bladder is about to explode). So every time I told her to stop wiggling, she would pucker up and kiss me. I told her that kissing to stay out of trouble is absolutely not OK and that we only kiss because we love, not to evade punishment. She said, "I love...." (In a super sassy tone of course) and puckered up again. Now it's a damn game for her. Every damn time she kicked or wiggled and I asked her to stop she would kiss me.

Right about 8:00 she started saying, "Mommy! Please take me home! I'm so tired! I need to go night night Mommy! Please GET ME HOME. I told her that she was being impolite and that next time she wouldn't be able to go with me. She argued and I said, "Baby Girl, you aren't even having fun..." She said, "I am Mommy, I'm having fun..." (in a not so sure tone) I told her that Mommy didn't have fun when I constantly had to ask her to stop moving around. That was it. The water works started on high. I had hurt Kat's feelings, and I felt awful.

There is no good ending to this story. I consoled her. I assured her that she is a fun girl and that I love spending time with her. She stopped crying and assured me that she understood what happened.... Mommy was angry and Kat was sad. I felt like I was an inch tall. And I realized that even though she may be a very well behaved little child, she is still a child. And I'm not a bad parent if I go out with just adults every once in a blue moon. So next time I get invited to an adult event, I'm going to try really hard to resist that pucker and "but I MISS my mommy when you leave!" Ah she breaks my heart.

My Monkey Moment

My mother in law one day described having children as "living with monkeys". So going backwards a little, she had my husband when she was 15 and 22 years later, had her 2nd son. My husband turned out reasonably normal. Maybe I'm just lucky, I don't know. The 2nd boy however is a tiny little bit spoiled. You know, he's the last baby... so he gets, well, treated like a baby. So, I didn't put much stock in the statement, "man, it's like living with monkeys". I rolled my eyes and thought, "when I have kids..."

Fast forward a couple of years. I had my daughter just after BIL turned 2. She was the sweetest little thing you've ever seen. Hardly ever fussed, ate well, smiled on demand. A dream baby. So I started to get cocky... living with monkeys, ha! How is that she can't handle it but I have the best baby ever? And it's like living with an angel, not a monkey. MIL created her own monster, but I apparently was way above it. My parenting skills obviously far surpassed hers, right? Well..... that was a short lived bubble that burst wide open when my "angel monkey" learned how to speak. Before that even. I was in denial for a long time.

I should have taken a clue when she was just a baby and I would say, "smile for mama!" And she would look me in the eye and shake her head 'no'. Or when I'd be feeding her baby food and she would sweetly reach for the spoon, and when I would give it to her she would throw it as far as her little angel monkey arm would throw. Or maybe when she was 2 and refused to take naps... she would jump on the bed and yell, "mommy! I being naughty! You better come check on me!..." Any of those things might have been a clue. Even my husband got the hint. When she was especially naughty, he would say, "Man, she's like one of those bad monkeys at the zoo that throws their crap at the zoo goers. She's a poop throwing monkey!" (he was very amused with himself for this analogy) Still, I didn't want to say out loud that MIL was right in that one aspect of parenting.

Fast forward another couple of years, I had my baby Bear. He was not an angel baby, not even close. He was sort of cute for those first few minutes after he woke up but oh how quickly that would turn to screaming, fussing, grunting. So I didn't mind when hubby called him a crap throwing monkey. If we didn't laugh we would cry so we did what we had to do. When he would cry in the night, hubby would roll over and say, "Mongo is awake!" When he would cry so hard he couldn't tell the nipple was right there in his face, hubby would say, "there he is! It's Mongo the Magnificent!"

But it was just blowing off steam. I didn't really believe I was living with monkeys. Enter my monkey moment.

Bear was still fairly new and had cradle cap real bad. So I had him on the changing table with the intent of changing his diaper. I'm super neurotic though, and couldn't help but pick a few of the bigger scabs off his poor head. Kat always magically has to go to the bathroom, or eat, or needs me somehow, right when I'm tending to the baby. (go figure) So she is in the bathroom yelling, "Mommy! I'm all done! Come wipe my bottom!" Bear is fussing while I try to pull off just a few more scabs....
....and right about the time I feel like my head is going to explode I hear, "Mommy! My poo poo is shaped like a heart! Come look Mommy! I made a a heart!" Right about then Bear pees all over his little legs, sleeper, changing table....and I realize, yes, yes it IS like living with monkeys!

It was a small moment. Probably 10 seconds total. But it was huge.

Like A Virgin

Not like, I am in fact a blogging virgin. I’ve thought about it often, there are so many rants going through my head every day, why not write them down and organize them? I’ve had quite a few half written blogs in my head but then I think, “Yeah, but that’s not worthy of a first blog”. The first one has to be special, right? It has to say something important. It can’t just be menial thoughts. It has to define me as a blogger, right?

Well to hell with that theory. We’ve had this blog for weeks now and I haven’t posted for fear of being rejected. I’m over it. Reject me if you wish. My head is all over the place. I am stretched very thin these days so my blog might be too. My hope is that I can read back over my blogs in, oh, let’s say 4 months, and say, “man! I was all over the place. but I’m completely organized now and not stretched at all. How funny I was back then”.

So first of all, about me. Well I’m 28 (which I was surprised to find out a few weeks ago on my birthday). See, I thought I was turning 29. You know how you say you’re a certain age and then you start saying, “almost 28″. Well somewhere along the way I stopped saying almost and believed with all my heart that I was 28 going on 29. My husband had to convince me, and it took some doing. Simple math prevailed though, and the verdict was in: I just turned 28. So I’m 28 and a mom of 2 babies. My daughter ‘Kat’ just turned 3 in December and my little ‘Bear’ will be 7 months in a couple days. Oh and I’m married too. We just had our 4 year wedding anniversary. This summer will mark 10 years of going ’steady’, 12 years since our first date. So we’ve known each other for a while.

I’m generally defined by my kids and family. Everything I do pretty much is about them. I’m not trying to sound like a hero either, that’s just how it is. This year though I want to start being more selfish. I’ve been saying this for a while, so we’ll see if it comes true this time around. There isn’t any good reason to take so much on myself. My husband is one of those who is willing and ready to pitch right in and give a hand with the kids, or let me go out for coffee with the girls. I just don’t take him up on it because, well, I have this complex that no one can treat my kids as well as I can. If I’m having fun away from my babies I feel terribly guilty until I’m back home folding their laundry or pumping for Bear’s lunch the following day. That’s all me. It’s a weird control thing that I’m really in the mood to get rid of. I think I can do it this time!

I’m already doing better. When Kat was a baby, I think I can count on one hand the number of times I left her with a sitter for personal gain. (That’s a Charmed reference, one of my guilty pleasures from yester year. And likely not the last you’ll see from me). Poor Bear, I’ve already gone out on a handful of dates with hubby and left the poor kid to deal with bottle feedings and “non mom” hands. (He did fine, probably didn’t even notice my being gone)

So I’m a wife and mommy, and an MA at a local hospital. It’s a pretty boring job compared to the RN I was supposed to be by now, but it will do until I finish school. It pays the bills and I have an awesome group of girls that I work with. I work part time in the evenings and on weekends while my husband works during the days. This way Kat and Bear are with either Mom or Dad all the time, with the exception of 6 hours per week for the overlap between when I start and hubby gets off work. During those 6 hours I am very blessed to have the best child care ever. The kids are happy and loved, and that’s enough to get me through the first couple of hours of my shift.

My plan in writing this blog is to figure out what I’m still in to. Besides being a wife and mom and medical assistant, which are huge parts of my life, what else is there? I’ve thought about scrapbooking but haven’t made the time. I love to sew but again with the time. I take pictures like a mad woman. That I seem to find time for. I used to like reading mystery novels. I follow Lost and ER religiously. I’m a terrible house keeper. I love rainy weather and going to the beach when it’s real real cold. That sounds so nice right now. See if I didn’t have 2 sleeping babies in the rooms behind me and I was still young, I might consider hopping in the car and driving 45 minutes just to sit on the super cold beach for 15 minutes and breathe in all that sea air and then come home and go to bed soooooooooo satisfied. But instead I’m going to bed a little thirsty (but the kitchen is the opposite direction from the bedroom, so I probably won’t do anything about it) and with my mind in a million different places. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, but sometimes I have that fantasy of just being a person in charge only of myself. Oh how complicated I thought things were back when that was my reality! Haha! See? I’m laughing at myself already! This is working!

Next time I’ll focus on a bay area mom topic, but I feel better already. Oh, and hubby just walked by to say good night and had bottled water in hand! So I’m not thirsty anymore! Bonus!

~Zook (The Zookeeper)